Starting to feel a little more like me...

Tonight is the first evening that I have been alone since leaving the hospital almost two weeks ago.  Feels a little weird actually, but also a little more normal too although I have LOVED having people over and need to do that more often.  Physically, I think that I am feeling a bit more like myself.  Did some errands yesterday and today and wasn't particularly tired afterwards like I have been.  Not that I still didn't sleep off and on all afternoon...  I know its a vicious cycle, but when I'm not sleeping at night, I really look forward to afternoon naps during the day.  And then I wake up every 2 hours at night (if I sleep at all).  I think I may have slept better last night.  Not sure because I remember thinking all night that I wasn't sleeping, but I didn't get up as much and so I may have been dreaming about not sleeping when I really was.  One habit that I definitely need to get out of quickly is believing that I need to have a snack every time I wake up at night.  The food was so bad (and I mean REALLY BAD) at the hospital that I had to force myself to eat anything and so I really didn't eat that much.  Since I've been home, I've tried to eat a little more since I probably need it right now.  But, I think I'm going too far the other way and need to work on that.

So, physically I am feeling better and maybe a little emotionally too.  I've been struggling with some depression over this whole episode which has  impacted my energy level and desire to do anything.  This was a setback that I really wasn't expecting and it happened so quickly.  With my liver problems, I know that at some point I am going to get really sick and not have much energy to do anything until after the transplant.  That's partly why I have been trying so hard to do fun things now, especially all of the things that I couldn't do before losing the weight.  I want to make sure that I do everything while I am basically feeling pretty good so that I don't have any regrets when I start to feel really lousy.  My time table in my head has always been that all of that could still be five years down the road (or more).  And maybe it is... and this is just a blip in the road.  But I don't know that and that has thrown me into a tailspin.  I hate not being in control of things and not knowing what the future brings.  Guess you never really know... but sometimes it feels more like you do than I feel right now.  Just the fact that I can write about this now means that I am starting to feel better.  Yea!